GREETINGS FELLOW HUMAN! We noticed you are attempting to VIEW this webzone on a MOBILE SPYING DEVICE called a “CELL PHONE” with your “EYEBALLS”. This webzone is ALLERGIC to PHONES and will only work on REAL COMPUTERS! Would it kill you to put down the goddamn phone for two seconds and read my shitty website properly on a normal sized screen like a dignified human being?

No? You’re stubborn, aren’t you? Alright, then Keep reading, friend! Here’s some quick facts for you:

FACT-SLAM: Aside from LITERALLY GIVING YOU BRAIN DAMAGE (Zhou 2011, Yuan 2011, Weng 2013, and Weng 2012) spending lots of time on your phone will make you even more depressed and alienated than you already are! (Lin LY, et al 2016) Maybe you should purchase lots of products and services on the App Store to make you feel better, using the hyperinflationary shitcoin called the “US Dollar” that you slave away 8 hours a day for! Or you could just try being a fucking human being instead of an oversocialized drone... I would suggest you delete your social media, unplug, take some deep breaths, and buy a gun and kill your boss subscribe to WizDumGun on YouTube!

FACT-BLAST: Your cell phone camera and microphone is always watching you, all the time, forever, and right now there are NSA agents paid for by your tax dollar passing around photos of your tiny penis (or stinky vagina) around the office and laughing at you for being such a chump. Why don’t you show them who’s boss and flush your phone down the toilet, along with the dignity you already willingly gave up years ago for a paper-thin illusion of security?

FACT-DUNK: If you’re still reading this, there’s hope for you because you have the attention span necessary to read more than the first paragraph! This is a very rare superpower that you likely cultivated from years of meditation in the mountains of Tibet and I am quite impressed. Hopefully an ascended master like you will hang around this mortal coil long enough to “wake up” the rest of us ADHD zombies from our Ritalin-induced sleepwalking. Maybe you can teach us the focus necessary to comprehend something more intellectually demanding than a 3 minute YouTube clip set to Soulja Boy’s Crank Dat. Maybe, just maybe, our species has a future beyond Soma and Netflix if someone like you were to pass on your bigbrain genes and ensure that Idiocracy doesn’t become a documentary. Maybe I’m getting carried away, but a man can dream!

If you have found this drivel entertaining, I encourage you to watch some of my videos or go to the full website on a REAL COMPUTER! Thank you for reading.